It’s easy to get caught up in what isn’t working in your relationship. Maybe your partner forgot to take out the garbage again, left their laundry on the floor, or didn’t respond to your text as quickly as you’d like. Over time, these small frustrations can build resentment, and before you know it, you’re stuck in a cycle of noticing only what your partner does wrong in your eyes while overlooking what they do right. It might sound like:
“You’re always nagging me!”
“You’re always on your phone or playing video games!”
“You never help with work around the house!”
This negative focus can create a cycle of criticism: the more you criticize, the more your partner feels unappreciated and undervalued, which may lead to defensiveness. In turn, this defensiveness can trigger even more criticism from your partner. Over time, both you and your partner may feel on edge, anticipating criticism and bracing yourselves for flaws to pointed out.
Why Appreciation Matters
Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of fostering a culture of appreciation in relationships. He highlights that appreciation serves as the antidote to contempt, a harmful communication style characterized by superiority and attacks on a person's sense of self, which can be damaging to relationships.
Couples who regularly express gratitude and appreciation report higher satisfaction, deeper intimacy, and greater resilience during challenging times. It can serve as a buffer in difficult moments because stress becomes more manageable, communication improves, and challenges are tackled as a team. By consciously choosing to look for the good in your partner, you train your brain to focus on their strengths and contributions rather than their flaws and the negative won’t stand out to you as much.
Over time, this mindset also transforms your other relationships and your outlook on life, as it trains your brain to focus on the positive aspects of people and situations.
How to Create a Culture of Appreciation
Start with small, specific acknowledgments: Instead of saying “Thanks for all you do,” try “Thank you for picking up the kids today; it really lightened my load.” Or “I appreciate that you always park on the street so I can have the driveway.”
Share fondness and admiration:
“I love how loyal you are to your friends.”
“I appreciate your sense of humor; you always make me laugh, which puts me in a better mood.”
Show appreciation through actions:
Greet your partner warmly when they come home
Ask them about their day
Take a small task off their plate that you know they would appreciate
Show affection in ways they appreciate
Learn about each other; the more we truly understand about one another, the greater the opportunity to appreciate the things that make one's partner unique.
Turn towards each other's bids for connection--this is the emotional currency that facilitates appreciation.
Next time you find yourself focusing on a flaw or something your partner did wrong, take a step back and ask yourself what is my partner doing well? What can I celebrate about them today? These meaningful shifts can make all the difference in developing a strong relationship and home built on mutual respect and appreciation.
Creating a Culture of Appreciation in Your Relationships
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