"You’re overreacting."
"Just calm down."
"It’s not a big deal."
"You’re being too sensitive."
How familiar are these lines in our relationships? How often do we say—or hear—these invalidating phrases without even considering the impact of such words?
Invalidation occurs when someone communicates, through words or actions, that another person’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences are exaggerated, unreasonable, or unimportant. Imagine how damaging it can be to signal to your partner that what they’re experiencing doesn’t matter or isn’t worth your time. Constant invalidation from loved ones can make a person question their internal reality, leaving them filled with doubt, uncertainty, and internal disarray. “Maybe what happened isn’t a big deal…maybe I am overreacting.” Invalidation can shut someone down, robbing relationships of opportunities to bond, connect, and grow closer.
Validation, on the other hand, communicates that another person’s feelings,
thoughts, and experiences are understandable and make sense in a given situation. To validate your partner is to make them feel heard and understood.
Many people resist validation, saying, “But I can’t validate my partner—I don’t agree with them!” However, validation does not mean agreement. You don’t have to validate your partner’s behavior, but you can validate their emotions or experience of the situation. Even if you don’t agree with everything, you can still recognize and understand part of your partner’s perspective. Validation communicates, “I hear you. I see you. What you’re feeling makes sense.”
As their partner, you have the context to understand where they’re coming from, and that understanding alone is powerful.
Why is validation important in relationships?
It de-escalates conflict and intense emotions.
It fosters closeness and connection. Validation demonstrates that you’re listening, understanding, being nonjudgmental, and caring. It keeps your partner engaged in the conversation and encourages them to open up.
Examples of validating phrases you can use:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can see why that was frustrating for you.”
“It makes sense to me why/how ________.”
As humans, we tend to be doers, often rushing straight into problem-solving mode. But when your partner tells you about a hard day, pause and ask yourself: What do they need from me right now? If you’re unsure, simply ask. More often than not, your partner just wants to feel seen and heard—not for you to solve their problem. This realization can take the pressure off, especially if you feel unsure how to “fix” the situation.
Listening without immediately “doing” can be challenging, particularly when we don’t want to see our partner struggle or suffer. However, remember: Validation is doing. It’s making your partner feel heard, seen, and understood. Through validation, you can help alleviate some of your partner’s pain, letting them know they’re not alone in their experience.
By practicing validation, we build trust, understanding, and closeness in our
relationships—creating a foundation where both partners feel valued and supported.
Stop Fixing, Start Listening The Art of Validation
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