When Your Spouse Is Grieving: What Helps and What Hurts

When grief enters a relationship, it can reshape the emotional landscape between two spouses. One partner may feel submerged in sadness, anger, guilt, or numbness, while the other may feel helpless, wanting to fix it, or eager to move forward.

Grief, though, is not something that can or should be fixed. Grief expert David Kessler reminds us that grief doesn’t follow a straight line and cannot be rushed or reasoned away. And it is certainly not the responsibility of a partner to “fix” grief. Instead, decades of research from relationship psychologist John Gottman show that emotional responsiveness to the grieving partner is what ultimately strengthens couples navigating grief.

In my doctoral dissertation, Orthodox Jewish Adults’ Experiences with Visitors and Grief During the Shiva Process (Fordham University, 2024), I studied how adults experienced support in the period after losing a parent. Two findings from that research offer powerful guidance for one half of a couple where the other half is grieving.

1. Let Them Tell the Story

One of the clearest findings in my research was how healing it was for mourners to talk about the person who died. The grieving party did not need a solution from someone else, they just needed an engaged listener.

In marriage, this matters profoundly. Your grieving spouse may repeat the same memory multiple times. They may revisit the final days. They may talk about small details that seem ordinary to you. Your role is not to redirect or speed it up. Your role is to say, in your own words: I’m listening. Tell me more.

2. Carry the Relationship Forward

Another key finding from my dissertation was how meaningful it was when others shared their own memories or stories about the deceased with the mourner. Hearing new memories helped people feel that their relationship with the deceased was still growing, even after death.

As a spouse, you can support this by:

• Sharing your own memories

• Naming traits you admired

• Asking, “What do you miss most about them?”

You might think that this would be allowing your spouse to wallow in grief, but you are actually helping them maintain their love and connection to their loved one.

3. Respect Different Grieving Styles

It is possible, in a marriage, that both partners will be grieving the same loss. It is important to understand that even if you’re grieving the same loss, you may not grieve the same way. One partner may want to talk constantly, the other may need quiet. One may cry openly, the other may prefer to focus on logistics.

Difference does not have to mean disconnection. Instead of asking, “Why aren’t you more upset?” try asking questions aimed at understanding your partner’s experience and how he or she may feel. Curiosity can be a powerful protection for a relationship during sensitive time periods.

4. Support the Search for Meaning — Through Action

In his later work, Kessler describes meaning as an important part of grief. Not meaning of the loss but meaning that grows after it. Meaning cannot be forced, but it can be nurtured. Sometimes meaning can emerge through storytelling or memory alone, but other times, it grows through action.

You might gently suggest your spouse explore some potential actions that may lead to meaning.

Some examples you may consider:

• Is there a cause they cared about you’d like to support?

• A hobby they loved you might try?

• A tradition you want to continue?

Cooking their recipes, learning their favorite games, or volunteering in their honor are also simple examples of actions. These actions don’t erase the pain of the loss, but they transform love into movement.

5. Be Steady When They Feel Unsteady

Supporting grief is heavy. You may feel unsure, rejected, or emotionally drained. Gottman’s research reminds us that when we’re emotionally flooded, we can’t show up well. Regulate yourself first. Take a breath. Step away briefly if needed. Remember that you cannot remove the waves, but you can be the steady shore.

At its core, supporting a grieving spouse comes down to one principle:

Presence over perfection.

You don’t need the perfect words. You don’t need to eliminate the sadness. You need to say “I’m here,” and then back it up with your presence.

When Your Spouse Is Grieving: What Helps and What Hurts