From “Me vs. You” to “Us vs. the Problem”

Every couple faces disagreements—whether about finances, parenting, household

responsibilities, or how to spend free time. When these conflicts arise, they often become a wedge between partners. Each person stands firm in their position, seeing the other as the obstacle to getting what they need. The issue sits between them like a barrier, and they wrestle over it, trying to push their perspective forward.

But what if, instead of sitting on opposite sides of the table battling over the issue, the couple moved to the same side? What if they faced the problem together, as a team, rather than letting it divide them?

Moving to the Same Side of the Table

Let’s say one partner wants to save for the future while the other wants to enjoy life now. If they approach this as a battle—each defending their stance and trying to convince the other—they risk resentment and frustration. The issue becomes you vs. me, and the relationship suffers.

But what if they changed the conversation? Instead of debating who’s right, they could say: “How do we, as a couple, balance financial security with enjoying life? What’s the best solution for both of us?” Now, they’ve shifted from adversaries to teammates working toward a common goal.

The same applies to disagreements about parenting. One parent might believe in strict discipline, while the other prefers a more lenient approach. Instead of arguing over who’s right, they can step back and ask, “How do we raise our child in a way that aligns with both of our values?”

The Key: Empathy and Active Listening

To make this shift, each partner must truly listen and understand the other’s perspective. This means not just hearing words but deeply empathizing with why the other person feels the way they do. When both partners incorporate the other’s viewpoint into their thinking, they form a shared perspective.

Now, instead of “your issue” and “my issue,” the couple faces one issue together. They become a united team balancing two competing values—just like an individual does when making personal decisions. For example, someone deciding whether to indulge in dessert or stick to a healthy diet must balance both desires. Similarly, a couple can struggle together to balance their shared needs and values.

Turning Towards Instead of Away

This shift in perspective aligns with what Dr. John Gottman calls “turning towards” your partner. In his research on relationships, Gottman found that successful couples consistently make small choices to turn toward each other rather than away—meaning they respond to bids for connection with interest, empathy, and engagement rather than defensiveness or avoidance.

This simple habit builds trust, emotional safety, and a strong foundation of intimacy. When couples embrace the mindset of facing challenges together, no issue—no matter how painful or difficult—has the power to divide them. Whether it’s navigating in-law dynamics, financial struggles, health concerns, or even sexual dysfunction, there is always an opportunity to turn towards each other. Each challenge becomes an invitation to strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.

A United Front

This shift doesn’t necessarily solve the problem instantly, but it transforms the conflict. Instead of tearing the couple apart, the issue becomes something they work through as one unit. They’re no longer fighting each other—they’re fighting for the relationship. And that changes everything.

From “Me vs. You” to “Us vs. the”. Learn about how shifting from adversaries to partners in navigating a problem can strengthen a relationship. Problem”.